


That Darn Heart

by drunkkenobi



Series: Shane (and Ryan) Vs. The Internet [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: First Kiss, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, M/M, Midwestern use of the word "darn"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 12:24:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16912836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkkenobi/pseuds/drunkkenobi
Summary: Shane gets a little upset at some Reddit comments and writes a rebuttal. Ryan finds out and you'll never guess what happens next!





	That Darn Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beethechange](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beethechange/gifts).



> This is for Bee who requested fic about Shane's [now famous reddit comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/BuzzFeedUnsolved/comments/9zt1ze/unsolved_supernatural_s05e06_the_haunting_of/eam246q/) about the Haunting of Hannah Williams episode. Please give it a read so this fic will make sense and also to admire that gold star Midwestern passive aggression. 
> 
> And thanks to thirst_enchanter for the beta, even though he doesn't even go here.

Shane knew that bringing a psychic on would raise some eyebrows. Ryan knew it too, but with Hannah’s house being a “current haunting”, he wanted to try it out. Same with the Ovilus. Shane thought they were both nonsense, but it was fun to have some new toys for Ryan to play with (or, more accurately, for the new toys to play with Ryan), even if he knew they’d get some flak for it. He was a mildly famous internet person, dealing with flak was part of the job description. Shane could handle it, no problem.

At least, he thought he could.

Sitting on his couch with a glass of wine, Shane stared at his laptop screen, rereading the same Reddit comment for the tenth (or thirtieth) time. He knew he should leave it alone. They’d already covered most of this person’s gripes on the Postmortem, even if it hadn’t been released yet. And besides, it really wasn’t a big deal if some people didn’t like the episode. You can’t win ‘em all, as they say.

Then Shane remembered Ryan’s comments yesterday at his own birthday lunch.

_“You see the Reddit post about Hannah’s episode? Your Shaniacs really tore it a new one.”_

_“Well, sure, AJ was pretty good about getting you all squirrelly-,” Shane said before Ryan interrupted him._

_“Nah, not just about that. They think we scripted it because of this new horror movie coming out, The Possession of Hannah Grace. It ran ads during the episode,” Ryan explained as he poked at his third piece of birthday cake._

_Shane laughed. “What? No way.”_

_“Yup,” Ryan said. “You’ve trained them pretty well. Always looking for the strings, especially when I think we find a lot of good evidence.”_

_“Hey, I haven’t trained them to do anything. Shaniacs just have a discerning eye, that’s all.”_

_“Yeah, a discerning eye that thinks I’m full of shit.”_

_“As the lead Shaniac, I can definitively say that we all don’t think you’re full of shit. A little crazy, sure, but honest.”_

_Ryan just shrugged. “Whatever you say.”_

Shane swallowed the rest of his wine in one gulp. Then he got to typing.

Forty-seven minutes (and another glass of wine) later, Shane gave his reply one last readthrough. He thought it was pretty good. Admittedly a little defensive, but not rude. It was missing something, though. Something to really convey how much Shane did not care for his Shaniacs questioning the show’s honor. He reread his opening sentence:

_I don't usually pipe up around here, but it bums me out to see anyone thinking we're trying to pull a fast one on them, so please allow me to butt my head in like a weirdo and address your concerns._

He highlighted three words to replace them.

 _I don't usually pipe up around here, but it_ **_breaks my DARN heart_ ** _to see anyone thinking we're trying to pull a fast one on them, so please allow me to butt my head in like a weirdo and address your concerns._

There. Much better.

Shane hit “Reply” and closed his laptop. Now that that was taken care of, he could focus on what was truly important: being a cowboy.

* * *

 

Shane didn’t emerge from his Red Dead Redemption II haze for a couple hours. He’d been so focused on getting a particularly tricky blackjack achievement that he didn’t realize he had a bunch of missed texts until he had to take a bathroom break.

_From Ryan Bergara_

R (7:32pm): _hey what are u doing_

R (7:43pm): _jw cuz i think u got hacked_

R (8:29pm): _i did some digging just seems to be on reddit. Change that pw bro_

R (8:56pm): _are u there? Is obi holding u hostage for treats? Type y or n_

R (9:03pm): _ok no longer funny. Are u ok?_

R (9:21pm): _if u dont answer in the next 10 mins im coming over to rescue u from your cat or whoever else has tied u up_

Shane glanced at his watch. It was 9:38.

With a sigh, he called Ryan.

“Hey-,”

Ryan didn’t let him get more than the one word in. “Holy shit are you okay? If no, give me a codeword or something, I’ll call 911.”

“Ryan. I’m _fine_. I was just playing Red Dead and my phone was on silent.”

“Oh.” Ryan sighed with relief. “You really shouldn’t get so sucked into a game that you miss a bunch of texts.”

“Says the guy obsessed with ‘immersion’,” Shane said with a snort.

“Whatever, at least I can return a damn text message in a timely manner.”

Shane heard a car horn blare over the speaker of Ryan’s phone. Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Ryan, please don’t tell me you really were driving over to my apartment to check on me.”

“You weren’t answering! And you definitely did get hacked, I thought maybe it was related.”

Shane rubbed his thumb and forefinger over his eyes. He needed more wine. “Why do you think my Reddit account got hacked?”

“Well, someone used it to make this big defensive post about the show over the last episode. I figure they got into your account to make it look more legit,” Ryan explained.

“And you think that person also broke into my apartment and held me hostage?”

Ryan was silent for a beat before responding. “Okay, maybe I didn’t think it through all the way.”

“No shit.”

“In my defense, you usually don’t take so long to text me back.”

Ryan did have him there. “Fair enough. I apologize for playing my cowboy game instead of monitoring my phone for all of your important, sacred texts.”

“Thank you,” Ryan said with an air of satisfaction. “And you’re welcome for letting you know you got hacked.”

“But I didn’t get hacked. My passwords are stronger and more secure than Fort Knox, baby.”

“Wait, then who…?”

“Me, obviously,” Shane answered.

Ryan fell silent again, but Shane did hear his car engine turn off and the rattling of keys.

“Um. I’m in your parking lot. Can I come up?”

Shane sighed. “You didn’t even wait the ten minutes to leave your place, did you?”

“Nope.”

“Yeah, c’mon.”

They hung up while Shane unlocked his front door. Classic Ryan, jumping to the craziest goddamn conclusion instead of the most obvious one, with a dash of overreacting to boot. If it wasn’t so charming, it might have been annoying.

Shane was grabbing a second wine glass when Ryan let himself in.

“Uh, hey?” he announced as Shane heard him kick off his shoes.

“Hey.” Shane emerged from the kitchen with two glasses of Whole Foods’ third-cheapest merlot. “Want some?”

“Sure.”

Ryan took the glass and sat down on the edge of Shane’s couch, while Shane moved his laptop and PS4 controller onto the coffee table to join him.

“So. That was you,” Ryan finally said after taking a healthy sip.

“Well, yeah. I don’t know why you thought it wasn’t.”

He rolled his shoulders back in an awkward shrug. “I dunno. I guess I just didn’t think you’d feel the need to get so defensive of the show.”

“It wasn’t _that_ defensive,” Shane said, knowing full well that it was. “They thought it was an ad, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew we were still on the up and up.”

“But we pretty much covered that stuff in the Postmortem that comes out tomorrow. Why not just wait?”

Shane had just enough wine in him to be honest. “The truth?”

“Yeah.”

“It really pissed me off.”

Ryan raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?”

Shane nodded “I don’t care if people don’t like the episode, that’s whatever, but they thought the whole thing was fake! From the ads, which we have zero control over, to Hannah’s story to you. It’s ridiculous! Like we would ever have the time and energy to go through filming an entire goddamn episode just to shill for some shitty horror movie.”

“Yeah, that is kinda annoying,” Ryan agreed but Shane kept talking over him. He was on a roll.

“And another thing. They were questioning the whole thing about AJ knowing details about your grandpa. And yeah, I agree that psychics are bullshit, but _you_ aren’t. You don’t lie or embellish that stuff, and it drives me up the wall that someone thought you did. They have no idea how hard you work and how stressed you get trying to make sure it’s always legit. None!”

Shane finished his rant with a big gulp of his wine while Ryan stared at him from under the brim of his baseball hat.

“Wow. I had no idea you had such strong feelings about...all that.”

“Of course I do. It’s our show.”

“So it really did, what’d you say, ‘break your damn heart’?”

“ _Darn_ heart,” Shane corrected. “And yes, it did. You may be a jumpy weirdo who thinks every whoosh of wind is a ghost, but you have integrity, dammit.”

Ryan let out a small laugh as he set his wine glass down. “That sounds like the world’s worst political slogan. Vote for me, Ryan Bergara: A Jumpy Weirdo With Integrity.”

“You got my vote.”

A faint blush spread across Ryan’s cheeks. “I’m honored to have your support.”

“Always, baby,” Shane said with a wink before downing the end of his wine.

Ryan’s face burned brighter as he scratched the back of his neck. “Good to know.”

Shane twisted around to face Ryan properly, sitting with one leg tucked under the other and his arm draped across the back of the couch. “Did you really not already know that?”

“I dunno. I guess I never thought about it.”

“Shit. I’ve been a crappy friend, then. I’m sorry, man,” Shane said sincerely.

Ryan turned around on the couch, mirroring Shane’s pose. “No, you haven’t. I think I’m just kind of dumb about this stuff.”

Shane nudged Ryan’s fingers with his own. “It can be two things.”

That got a grin out of Ryan, his teeth flashing brilliantly from under the shadow of his hat. Always with those damn hats lately. Shane liked a good hat every once in awhile, but Ryan was truly wearing them like they were going out of style these past few weeks. Well, not anymore.

With a flick of his wrist, Shane snatched the cap off Ryan’s head and flung it across the room.

“What the fuck?!” Ryan laughed out of shock, one hand on his head to cover up his messy, unstyled hair. “Dude!”

“You gotta let go of the hats, Ryan. Matilda demands it.”

“Hilarious. Seriously, what the hell was that for?”

“I missed your hair. I haven’t seen it in a week’s time, perhaps even a fortnight!” Shane said, putting on an old-timey accent. “I’ve been hither and yon, and nary a sight have I seen of Ryan Steven Bergara’s beautiful hair!”

Ryan was laughing while still frantically trying to fix his hair but without a mirror or product, he was mostly just messing it up more. “It’s in this awkward growing out phase, okay? It looks like shit.”

“Well, it does when you do _that_ ,” Shane said, reaching out to pull Ryan’s hands away from his head. “Leave it alone. It looks fine.”

A piece of black hair fell directly into Ryan’s eye. Without even thinking, Shane swept it to the side, letting his fingers linger against Ryan’s temple for a couple seconds before dropping them. Ryan’s hair really was very soft without all that styling gel he usually put in it.

“So, did you really mean it?” Ryan asked.

“Uh, yeah? Your hair is fine, Ryan. Good, even.”

“Not about that.” He shook his head and that same piece fell back into his eyes again. “About, you know, supporting me?”

Shane raised an eyebrow. “Yes? Am I really that bad at being sincere?”

Ryan ignored that, obviously set on whatever he was planning to say next. “No matter what? You’ll still respect me, or whatever?”

Shane truly had no idea where he was going with this. “Unless you’re about to confess a bunch of serial murders to me, yes. And even then, I’ll give you a pass if you’re only murkin’ bad guys.”

“Okay,” Ryan said, nodding his head, his eyes focused on Shane’s knee. “Okay cool.”

“What are you-mmph!?”

Before Shane could finish asking what the hell Ryan was talking about, Ryan surged forward and pressed his lips against Shane’s.

Completely caught off-guard, Shane pulled back, staring down at Ryan with wide eyes.

“Um. What?”

Shane had seen Ryan scared dozens and dozens of times. None of them, not Sallie House, not the bats at Yuma, compared to how terrified he looked right now.

“Shit. Shit shit fuck. I’m gonna go,” Ryan said quickly as he scrambled to get off of Shane’s couch. He whacked his knee on Shane’s coffee table in the process, swearing loud enough to startle Obi, who bolted from his cat bed onto the couch. But Ryan obviously didn’t notice, sitting back down to clutch his knee and directly onto Shane’s cat. Obi hissed. Ryan screamed. And Shane could not stop laughing.

His face buried in his hands, Ryan sunk onto the floor while Obi ran away from them both. Shane knew his cat would be fine. His Ryan, on the other hand, he wasn’t so sure.

“Hey, you okay there, bud?” Shane asked once his giggles died down.

“No,” Ryan said, voice muffled by his hands.

Shane peeled the hand closest to him off of Ryan’s face and didn’t let go. “You want to talk about it?”

The one eye of Ryan’s Shane could see was boring a hole into their held hands. “Not really.”

“Okay. Then do you want to try again?”

Ryan’s head snapped up, color flooding his cheeks. “Try what again?”

“Smoochin’, obviously.”

“But you, before, y-you pulled away,” Ryan said, stumbling over his words.

“Well, yeah. You kissed me while I was in the middle of talking, I didn’t know what the fuck was going on,” Shane said as he gave Ryan’s hand a squeeze. “But now that I know...we should try again.”

Ryan pulled himself back up onto the couch, his thigh pressed up right against Shane’s. Then he leaned in, much more carefully this time, and kissed Shane.

Now that he was prepared, Shane kissed him back with gusto, curling his hands around Ryan’s biceps. Twenty minutes ago, the idea of kissing Ryan had just been a vague fantasy locked away in the back of Shane’s mind; something he thought about every once in awhile but never put a lot of stock into. He had vastly underestimated how squirmy Ryan would be, his hands constantly searching for a place to settle on Shane’s body. It didn’t take him long to realize why.

“You’ve never kissed a guy before, have you?” Shane asked him after pulling back just enough to talk.

Ryan ducked his head, staring at his own lap. “That obvious, huh?”

“Little bit,” Shane said with a smile, hoping to get one of Ryan. “Still a good kiss, though.”

Ryan did grin, a sly, shit-eating one that he normally reserved for bratty Postmortem questions. “ _Darn_ good?”

“Oh, I’ll show you a darn good kiss, you little shit,” Shane said before pushing Ryan down against the couch and crawling on top of him. Ryan started to laugh but Shane shut him up by pressing their mouths together. While he deepened the kiss, Shane snuck a hand up Ryan’s shirt to touch every bit of skin that he could before rubbing his thumb over Ryan’s nipple. Ryan moaned against Shane’s mouth, his hands finally finding themselves settled on Shane’s hips. So _that’s_ how you get Ryan Bergara to focus. Good to know.

Shane kissed down Ryan’s chin onto his throat, nipping lightly at his skin. One of Ryan’s hands left Shane’s hips to cup the back of his head.

“You can do it harder,” Ryan said, his voice low.

Shane lifted his head to look Ryan in the face and make sure he understood right. “You want me to give you a hickey, like we’re in high school?”

“Shane, I,” he paused, taking a deep breath. “I’ve wanted this for a really long time.”

Oh.

_Oh._

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Heart beating louder than he’d ever admit, Shane tipped his head back down to press his lips against Ryan’s neck. As he sucked a mark onto the skin, Ryan’s hips bucked up, his dick already hard in his jeans. Shane wanted to tease him about it, but considering he was partially there himself, he had no room to talk.

When Shane was done marking up Ryan’s throat, he sat back up on his knees to take off his shirt. Ryan followed suit but before Shane could properly ogle him, Ryan pulled him back down on top of him. One hand tangled itself in Shane’s hair while the other traveled down his back.

“If you’re looking for an ass back there, you’re not gonna find it,” Shane said in between kisses.

“I’m just trying to figure out where this actually _ends_ . I knew your legs were ungodly long but really, it’s your _everything_.”

“Oh Ryan,” Shane said, unable to stop himself. “You have no idea.”

Ryan stared at him. “No fucking way.”

Shane rocked his hips down to press his dick against Ryan’s pelvis. “Way.”

Ryan slid his hand from Shane’s back to his hip, hooking his thumb on the inside of his waistband. “Can I…?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely you can.”

With a grin, Ryan opened the fly on Shane’s chinos and pushed them and his underwear down far enough to get at his cock.

“Holy shit,” he gasped.

“Toldja,” Shane said, reaching down to touch himself but Ryan batted his hand away.

“No, let me. Please?”

Maybe it was the dark glint in Ryan’s eyes or the red mark blossoming on his throat or the neediness in his voice, but that was when it truly hit Shane how badly Ryan wanted this. Wanted _him_.

What a Tuesday this was turning out to be.

With a nod, Shane braced himself on the couch and properly situated his legs around Ryan’s waist. After spitting into his hand, Ryan reached down between them to grab Shane’s cock. It felt better than Shane expected, especially the way his callouses rubbed against his skin, but it was nothing compared to how intensely Ryan was looking at him. His eyes were locked on Shane’s like they were in an erotic staring contest. After a minute or so, Shane couldn’t take it anymore and he had to bury his face against Ryan’s neck. He was pretty sure that he just lost whatever upper hand he may have had but he also didn’t care too much.

“So, I’m doin’ okay?” Ryan asked, swiping his thumb over the head of Shane’s cock where he was leaking precome.

“Shit,” he hissed as his hips automatically rolled forward. “I think you know perfectly well that you’re doing just fine.”

“It’s my first time, I’m just trying to make sure it’s good!”

Shane would have rolled his eyes if they weren’t closed. “Please. You have a dick, you can tell I’m close. You’re just fishing for more compliments from me.”

Ryan chuckled while tightening his grip. “Like you said earlier, it can be two things.”

Shane huffed out a quick laugh before his skin prickled with heat. He was close, really close.

“You're doin’ great, Ry,” he told Ryan, hoping the encouragement would help speed things along. It did.

Ryan moved his hand faster, losing the rhythm, but Shane's dick didn't care. Biting down on the mark he'd left earlier, Shane fell over the edge, coming all over Ryan's hand.

“Fuck!” Ryan gasped.

Shane licked over the spot a couple times before completely collapsing on top of Ryan, too boneless to keep holding himself up. “See? You killed it.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Ryan held his sticky hand up awkwardly. “Gross.”

“Oh hush, like you haven't seen yours a gazillion times.”

“I know, it's just you don't have tissues out here.”

“Excuuuuse me for not being prepared for you jerking me off on a fucking Tuesday night in my living room,” Shane said, annoyed that he was being forced to bicker while still in the afterglow.

The next thing Shane knew, Ryan was wiping his come-covered hand against Shane's back.

“What the fuck?! Were you raised in a goddamn barn?” Shane squawked.

“I didn't know where else to put it!”

“You could have used your shirt!”

“I like that shirt,” Ryan pouted. “I’ll help you clean up, just give me a minute.”

He reached down in between them again, this time opening his own fly. Shane wedged himself best he could in between Ryan and the couch before pulling Ryan’s dick out of his underwear. He was already leaking and hard, just from jerking Shane off.

Shane was learning lots of things about his fellow Ghoul Boy tonight.

“Fuck,” Ryan groaned, tilting his hips up. “Your hand, shit.”

He tightened his grip. “What about it?”

“ _Shit_. It’s not how I expected it to feel.”

The knowledge that Ryan had expectations for how Shane’s hand would feel on his dick was a little too overwhelming at the moment but Shane absolutely filed that away. “In a good way or…?”

“Good. Better,” he clarified, turning his head to look at Shane.

The angle was a little awkward but fuck it, Shane kissed him again. Ryan just sort of moaned against Shane’s mouth as he abruptly came all over Shane’s hand and his own stomach.

“Oh. Whoa,” Shane said as he stroked him through it. “That was hot.”

“Really?” Ryan asked in between gasping breaths. “I was thinking it was more embarrassing than anything.”

“Two things,” Shane said before wiping his hand off on Ryan’s chest.

“Ugh. I guess I deserve that,” he said, wrinkling his nose at the mess on his chest and belly.

Shane pressed a soft kiss against the bruise on Ryan’s neck. “Yup.”

They laid there for a few quiet moments, despite how gross and physically awkward it was. Ryan, always uncomfortable with silence, broke it.

“So. What happens now?”

“We go clean up, I find you some pajama pants you won’t trip over in, and then we, I dunno, finish off that bottle of wine and play video games or something,” Shane said, his face still tucked against Ryan’s neck.

“I meant more in the, uh, _bigger_ sense.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Shane promised. “AJ told me we would.”

“WHAT?!” Ryan shrieked. “Are you serious? I fucking knew he was the real deal.”

“Of course I’m not,” he snorted. “Good God, you’re gullible.”

Ryan kicked him in the shins. “Hey! Remember, you said you’d always, like, respect me or whatever.”

“Fine. You’re gullible but with honor. Better?”

“Much.”

Eventually, they couldn’t take the mess anymore and ended up in Shane’s bathroom. While they were waiting for the shower to heat up, Ryan abruptly grabbed Shane’s right hand.

“Hey, real quick, I forgot to say it earlier. Thank you.”

“For what? The hand job? I mean, you’re welcome, but that’s kind of a weird thing to say,” Shane said.

Ryan traced small patterns on Shane’s palm, not quite meeting his eyes as he spoke. “Not that. For, you know, standing up for...the show. They listen to you more than me so that means a lot for you to defend it.”

“They listen to you,” Shane said softly.

Ryan shrugged. “Not about that stuff. It’s fine, I get it. I’m the crazy one.”

“Ryan, I’ve written tens of thousands of words of a heartbreaking saga of heroism and food puns all because I think it’s funny that you hate it,” Shane said, closing his fingers around Ryan’s. “We’re both the crazy one.”

Ryan grinned. “Okay, okay. You’re right.”

“You’re darn right I am.”


End file.
